This is Mark. He is our hunky painter and has a lovely manly chest. When he is not painting, he enjoys watersports, photographing birds of prey and obsessively looking up vintage guitars on the Internet.

Anyway, I was headed somewhere with this, and that was that it is my suspicion that Mark (and Duncan his plasterer mate) might be sending people in to smash up the toilet walls on the weekend as they have been doing so well out of all the idiots who think putting your fist through a toilet wall is a fun way to spend a Saturday night.

So, this is a warning to all you idiots, the walls are now being replaced with TitanBoard. This means that all you will achieve if you hit the wall is breaking your fingers – and then we will laugh at you when you come to the bar asking for ice to nurse your poor wee handsie.

Please note: we put a lot of effort into making the toilets nice. We aren’t interested in the dumb shit you have to scrawl on the wall (“I think of Mount Pleasant When I Touch Myself” was quite funny, but in a different forum). If we catch you, Big Ben will smash you to pulp and I will come to your house and write scat all over your walls.